tml marks the last day of attending official classes. how fast this is. however, it doesnt mean holidays are here. first paper will be on 7th and 2 papers will fall on the 11th dec. in betwn there will be alot of activities including working of coz. i gotta save up for splurge in thai on jan! =]

the mugging war time is soon to start again. =[

Life has been such a bitch nowadays. Seriously speaking? I feel that i am shutting out activities, gatherings, friends or even my own boyfriend out. Why is this so? No idea. Just an urgency of need to be alone, away from everything and anything. Not sociable i guess. And price have been paid. Repeatedly rejecting my uni friends for outings have definitely strain our friendship. Comments of me being anti-social have been voiced. I felt bad too. But i guess they wouldnt understand cause we aint sharing much of our personal lives either. I know my milkies do understand. =] shed a couple of tears when i met up with them the other day. They knew and understand what i'm going through in a way. There was a great release of emotions kept inside me. I look forward to the day i graduate really. One might not believe, i actually hope to start work soon. Seriously.

One doesnt need alot of friends, just kept a few that are close to your heart. I always believe that. =] Lesbian partner, we need to meet too. Gossips is needed as fuel. Haha.

i'm tired. very tired. extremely tired.

i need positive psychology before depression eats me up. dont be mistaken, i havent got depression. just an metaphor. =]

Friends, how many do one really need?

an apology and explanation that came too late...

As i sat on the bus on the journey to school today, the thoughts of you came to my mind. Somehow i misses you as i thought of the past memories we created together. You were special to me but i guess we weren't meant to be. I couldn't tell whether you were true to me or not as your words contradict with your actions. Everyone around us were expecting us to be together. Seriously i thought we will too, unfortunately i am not those 'little woman' you were looking for and were trying to change me into. I am an independent lady who has her own perspectives and decisions to make. As the relationship progresses more intimately, the more stress i felt and the more i believed i could not meet up to your expectation.

Maybe the changing of our relationship status was a mistake to begin with. You just left her and decided to find back the friends that you have lost during your dating period. Sometimes i wonder if you were using me to forget about her. I aint putting the blame on you and frankly, i wonder if i were using you too. You were like a splitting image of him, the him whom i have waited for 5 yrs and the love wasn't shared. Maybe the one i really like was him but you with the same personality as him were showering me with the attention which i hope to get from him. But lucky i realized it soon enough, especially after that 'incident'.

I'm sorry we didn't make things clear or should i say i didn't made things clear to you. Especially when one day i turned up with Nicholas and you knew nothing at all beforehand. I know you were angry, i could sense that. The way you avoided me and showing hostilitywas so obvious even the rest could tell it. I'm not going to say that i regret we didn't work out because i know i was right in choosing the one who really loves me and i really love him. Ours was a stressful and insecure relationship for me because you couldn't provide me with the assurance and i really wonder when you ask me if i have already like you since the poly days. I guess then it was just some form of infatuation and not true love.

It is really an undeniable fact that i do miss you. I wonder if then we didn't choose that way to develop maybe we are still close now, hanging out often. Now, the you that have change, i don't who you are anymore. Is this the real you? I miss the old one though. The only thing i regret was we can never be the same like before anymore and i doubt you would ever read this. But somehow or rather i hope we could turn back time and not let those changes happen. May be things will stay just like the old times. Ha. Who am i kidding. 2 years have already passed and i have been avoiding this, today by blogging it down, i am ready to face it and even let it go pass behind me. =]

Dear readers, don't get me wrong. This isn't a post to confess to Nicholas abt my past. In fact he knew this the moment we were together. I am truthful to my boy. =]

I suppose only a few would know who i am talking abt especially lesbian partner eh and i would appreciate that those who know, don't go ard helping me spread the names. =] thankyou! =]