an apology and explanation that came too late...

As i sat on the bus on the journey to school today, the thoughts of you came to my mind. Somehow i misses you as i thought of the past memories we created together. You were special to me but i guess we weren't meant to be. I couldn't tell whether you were true to me or not as your words contradict with your actions. Everyone around us were expecting us to be together. Seriously i thought we will too, unfortunately i am not those 'little woman' you were looking for and were trying to change me into. I am an independent lady who has her own perspectives and decisions to make. As the relationship progresses more intimately, the more stress i felt and the more i believed i could not meet up to your expectation.

Maybe the changing of our relationship status was a mistake to begin with. You just left her and decided to find back the friends that you have lost during your dating period. Sometimes i wonder if you were using me to forget about her. I aint putting the blame on you and frankly, i wonder if i were using you too. You were like a splitting image of him, the him whom i have waited for 5 yrs and the love wasn't shared. Maybe the one i really like was him but you with the same personality as him were showering me with the attention which i hope to get from him. But lucky i realized it soon enough, especially after that 'incident'.

I'm sorry we didn't make things clear or should i say i didn't made things clear to you. Especially when one day i turned up with Nicholas and you knew nothing at all beforehand. I know you were angry, i could sense that. The way you avoided me and showing hostilitywas so obvious even the rest could tell it. I'm not going to say that i regret we didn't work out because i know i was right in choosing the one who really loves me and i really love him. Ours was a stressful and insecure relationship for me because you couldn't provide me with the assurance and i really wonder when you ask me if i have already like you since the poly days. I guess then it was just some form of infatuation and not true love.

It is really an undeniable fact that i do miss you. I wonder if then we didn't choose that way to develop maybe we are still close now, hanging out often. Now, the you that have change, i don't who you are anymore. Is this the real you? I miss the old one though. The only thing i regret was we can never be the same like before anymore and i doubt you would ever read this. But somehow or rather i hope we could turn back time and not let those changes happen. May be things will stay just like the old times. Ha. Who am i kidding. 2 years have already passed and i have been avoiding this, today by blogging it down, i am ready to face it and even let it go pass behind me. =]

Dear readers, don't get me wrong. This isn't a post to confess to Nicholas abt my past. In fact he knew this the moment we were together. I am truthful to my boy. =]

I suppose only a few would know who i am talking abt especially lesbian partner eh and i would appreciate that those who know, don't go ard helping me spread the names. =] thankyou! =]